Not I want to be emo or what, just that sometimes life gets too fuck up like seriously.
And I really wanna go back Sg as soon as I can.
Stay there forever, not just for holiday.
I don't feel needed in this family.
Not a day that I won't get scolding from mum.
And sometimes this house has become a fear.
It was all good at the start, felt welcome.
Felt great cause I can gossip with mum.
She accepted my piercings, give me freedom.
But slowly, all of them no longer make me feel safe anymore.
Hi,
You've been scolding me everyday ever since grandparents went back Sg.
You won't know how much I hope I can find a job that needs me to work 14hours/day.
(I need 10 hours to sleep)
Or even, school can reopen tomorrow.
Used to hate night classes cause it fucking end so late.
Now, I hope night classes can extend so I won't be seeing you so often.
I even thought of running out of this house.
But no money, no work where can I go yeah?
It may seems wrong to others.
Living with you less than a year and I feel like renting house outside or even stay in school.
I just want to get away from you as much as I can.
With no money, no work, still studying, where can I go?
It took daddy alot of effort to make me stay, I don't wanna destroy his effort by insisting I wanna go back Sg for living.
But can you please be fucking appreciating towards me?
Why are you treating me & Chris so differently from how you're treating the two sisters?
Just because they're so much younger? I don't believe this crap.
Yes, we might be in the stage of growing to adult but who ever give you the idea that we as adults don't need anyone to tell us we're doing good?
Who tell you we as adults don't need parents' to show their love?
And seriously, I think you're fucking biased.
Maybe you didn't realised, but I do notice and feel that.
The same thing happen on both me and sis, you'll only scold me until damn jialat.
She? Nothing much huh.
She sat infront of the computer since the afternoon, me? Only late afternoon.
Then you only scolded me for sitting infront of the comp the 'whole day'?
Who started playing first? She.
Who started playing straight after dinner? She.
Who use the comp longest these two days? She.
And what, come to scolding for using comp too much, you only scold me.
Yes, I might be wasting my holiday by using comp only and did nothing else.
So didn't she? She should be learning at her age now.
She isn't, she's just plain spending her time playing. You don't even scold her for that?
What? Feel regretted because you destroy my childhood so you have to give her a better childhood by letting her do everything she wants?
What about mine? Where were you? And good job, you're destroying my teenage life again by scolding me until there's nothing left in me.
If you don't want me in your life, tell me!
Cause to be honest, I can still live without you in my life.
Anyway, you didn't even take part in half of my life?
So what's the need to pretend you need me?
Just be honest, we don't need each other okay.
Yea grandparents not working anymore, hard to support me.
Fine, send the money to them. That's what you can do as a mother.
Don't let their money spend on me, just let me live with them.
And if you've decided to play the role of my mum, please act properly.
By treating me like a maid, is not acting well yeah.
I'm your fucking daughter, not maid.
Don't talk to me like, " Sleep earlier, you need to clean the house tomorrow."
You want to be a clean freak, please do it yourself.
I don't wanna be like you, thank you very much.
And can you stop talking to me with such an impatient tone?
Everytime scold me for being impatient, ever thought of I'm learning from you?
Why should I even talk to you nicely when you always give me guailan attitude.
So what if you're my mum? I'm your daughter too what?
So what if you're elder? Don't even know how to show some respect to others, still call yourself elder?
This thing goes to daddy and two sisters too. Can you please fucking stop using such impatient tone on all of us? We fucking don't owe you anything.
You can use on us, we can't use on you. What the fuck is this?
And when you don't even speak politely, how the hell can you expect other people to do the same?
When things don't go your way, you get crazy and punch people.
Hello, you're a mum, not some ah lian outside.
You want be ah lian, go la. I don't care.
Just don't bring your ah lian attitude to family members.
If you don't even want to give a fuck about me, what the fuck you fuck at the first place then give birth?
Stop putting words like, "every child born to drive me crazy. all don't listen to me"
Did you even listen to your own mum? No.
If you did, you won't be going through so much in your life.
So when you can't do that yourself, don't fucking expect people to do the same.
Just like the job thingy.
I tried to explain to you why can't I find job during this holiday.
You fucking don't listen and don't even believe and even say stuff to hurt me.
Did you even know I was about to break down on the road because I got rejected too many times?
Did you even know how much stress I was going through?
Did you even know how badly I want to get a job so I can get away from you?
But nobody want to accept me for working such a short time, what can I do?
Can I fuck them upside down? No.
And most importantly, can you ownself even find a job?
I bet not.
You think it's easy? Show me.
You can't even find a job yourself, (though you don't need a job, but if you ever look for a job), how can you simply expect me to find??
You said people start finding jobs even before holiday starts, so what am I suppose to do?
Throw grandma they all at home just because I need to go work?
I fucking only get to spend 11 full days time with them only when they're back for a month because of exam, how can I possible leave them alone just to work?
You made it sound all easy because you got to spend the month with them what.
And whenever sis did something wrong, when I tried to correct her, I'll end up being scolded by you.
I can't even do my job as a sister? So what am I?
A maid that can't scold your daughter?
What the fuck.
And lastly, I want to be fat or what, my business.
Stop telling me I'm fat, I know that.
Stop trying to be a control freak who control what I want to eat.
You said it'll hurt more when outsiders start to tell me I'm fat.
Let me tell you this, I don't fucking care what outsiders say about me.
But it fucking hurt me when you say things like I'm fat or what so ever.
You're my mum, you're suppose to be telling me in a better way but you're not.
How would you feel if I go up to you and say, you're not pretty at all.
Do something to your face before outsiders comment on you, it'll hurt more.
Do it actually hurt when outsiders tell you this or your own family member to tell you this?
You know the answer yourself.
Yea, you might be speaking the truth, so? It still hurts, alot.
You don't look pretty at all is a fact too what? Can I tell you this?
Think how would it make you feel before you say, and do.
Sometimes saying sorry doesn't even help at all. The scars remain.
Yea, I admit I did hurt you alot of times too.
But compare them with the disappointments and pains you've given to me, they're just a piece of shit okay.
I don't hate you, cause I can't hate you.
Literally, you're my closest. Literally, only.
And because of that, I can't hate you or even leave you.
But I'm not sure if I love you not.
I'm really not sure...
I hope one day you'll realise all of these, and have a good thinking session with yourself.
What have you done to me and Chris.
Now I totally understand why my brother can't stay in this family.
Because even less than a year, I almost can't hang on in this family too.
You're gonna have a great time with just the both sisters and daddy.
And for me, I don't really need you. I just need the money.
Cause you've been missing half of my life, I don't understand why should I put you in for the rest of my life then.
For you, mum (:
No love, just xx.
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